As the cool fall weather settles on the land, many Tlellians are hard at work preserving their food, fishing on the Tlell and prepping the house for winter. Gutters are being cleaned, chimneys swept and windows washed before the onslaught of the southeasters coats them with salt once again.
The mushrooms are sprouting up everywhere, and if that’s your thing, go out there and get them! I have never been much of a mushroom fan, but I will admit that I’ve come to enjoy them in a creamy garlic sauce.
Tlellians everywhere are pickling away. Pickled this, pickled that, pickled everything. Pickling is usually something I strongly avoid. However, I have discovered that I don’t hate pickles as much as I once thought I did.
Sometimes we have to be tricked into discovering we have changed. Though unintentional, I tricked myself. A number of months back, I bought a Blacktail sandwich for lunch and was diligently picking out the pickles.
“That’s the best part!” the wise server observed, and I told her, with all the certainty of someone who had not challenged this belief in a long time, that I just don’t like pickles.
Once the sandwich was warmed, I began to walk, as is my wont over a lunch hour on a nice day, and suddenly the unthinkable happened. I bit into a big chunk of sweet pickles.
And then the even more unthinkable happened. I thought, “Oh, that was good ...”
Convinced my worldview was still correct and intact, I rationalized that it was that particular pickle with that particular sauce and sandwich fixings that made it delightful. But I let down my pickle guard. I was less diligent in ferreting out hidden pickles. I let the chips, or the pickles, land where they may.
Thus, on the last day of The Jackal being open, I found myself munching on a burger and bit right into a regular old pickle and thought, “Mmmm, not bad.” And just like that, my long vendetta against the sour-tasting pickle was over.
We change. Our bodies change, our taste buds change and our minds change. My longtime readers will know that I like to take cues from the natural environment as motivation for introspection. As the leaves fall and mushrooms sprout, things look the same but are also vastly different. What am I willing to let go of? What is available to grow in the decay?
Nowhere is this question more important than in the relationship realm. Our patterns when picking a partner can be surprisingly rigid, often resulting in the same disappointing outcome time and time again. If someone being unavailable feels attractive to you, for example, the same disappointment and sense of worthlessness will inevitably arise.
We can know this about ourselves, or about that friend you have who can never find a healthy relationship. However, relationship patterns can be the hardest to change. The cause of our patterns can often be traced back to before we were really aware of how the world works and who we are in it. As a baby or a very young child, we cement beliefs that are wholly unexamined and often generally flawed. We do so because they make sense at the time and result in some sense of safety and predictability.
When working with clients, I’ve often used the Glass Child metaphor. When trauma or hurt happens at a young age, we shatter. As a child, we pick up all these shards as best we can and put ourselves back together. It is always haphazard, resulting in pointy bits and gaping holes, but it keeps us going.
As adults, we can begin to examine the beliefs, behaviours and patterns that resulted from this hasty job we did as a child. We can decide if that pointy bit still serves us, and if it doesn’t, we can remove it or soften it significantly. We can also fill the gaping holes we simply ignored. It takes work and support, but it is possible.
And this brings us to the relationship pickle. It can be hard to practise new ways of relating if we attract, and are attracted to, the same old people. Conversely, it can be hard to change our ways of relating without experiencing attraction with someone who is different.
So how do we trick ourselves into changing? I believe it’s a little of this and a little of that. We change what we focus on, we try to notice something else, we let go of old wounds and risk new ones at the same time.
Bit by bit, inch by inch, we might find that we find something different attractive, and that attraction grows over time. With positive experiences, a new pattern is laid down.
Recently, I opened up Facebook Dating, just to see what’s out there. A free service, it has been likened to the Value Village of dating sites. Okay, by me. As such, I feel it is susceptible to the Value Village Effect, where an item looks good in the store, but once you bring it home, you wonder what you were thinking.
No, I haven’t brought any men off Facebook Dating home yet. I’m still sifting through the racks. But I’m hoping to find something a bit different than what I’ve “worn” before. Simultaneously, I’m working with my therapist to solve the pickle of how I operate in relationships in the first place.
Because that is a pickle that I like: the mystery of how we are in relationships. I invite you to notice this time of year, when light balances dark, and see what relational change you can trick yourself into doing before hibernating through the winter months. It may surprise you!